Lily Alone Read online

  ‘Cheers, mate – then I can buy myself a Big Mac too,’ said the fat man. ‘Then you drive round to my place and you kids can all play in my nice garden while your mum and I have a little cosy get-together indoors.’

  ‘No! Don’t go, Mum,’ Bliss whispered, taking him seriously.

  ‘Us “cosy together”?’ said Mum, laughing. ‘As if, Mister!’

  ‘Why not, eh?’ he said. ‘Your old fella still around, is that it?’

  ‘I’ve got myself a new fella,’ said Mum. She breathed in deeply, her eyes sparkling. ‘A lovely new fella, so sorry, mate. I’m taken.’

  ‘Then he’s a lucky fella,’ said the fat man, which was quite nice of him.

  He wasn’t the only guy looking at Mum on the bus. She looked so different today. Since Paul died she mostly just scraped her hair back in a limp pony-tail and didn’t bother with make-up and wore washed-out old T-shirts and trackie bottoms and no one looked at her twice. But now, with her hair curled and her make-up and her tight top and good jeans, she looked wonderful. My heart thumped with pride when I looked at her.

  It was a struggle getting us all downstairs when we got to the shopping centre. Baxter wanted to stay driving the bus till the last possible second. I had to prise his hands off the rail. Bliss threw a wobbly going downstairs, clutching me tight, scared she was going to fall. Pixie wriggled so much in Mum’s arms she very nearly did fall. Then we got the buggy caught up with some old lady’s shopping trolley, and this young lad leaped up and helped Mum. It was as if she had put a spell on every man in the town.

  ‘Come on, kiddies, shopping, shopping, shopping!’ said Mum, running along, even though she was wearing high heels, Pixie squealing with delight in her racing buggy.

  We went to the Flowerfields shopping centre first because Pixie loved the singing dancing teddy bears in the main entrance hallway. Baxter loved them too. He lumbered about growling, pretending he was a bear. Poor silly Bliss was still a bit frightened of the giant bears and nuzzled her head against Mum, not looking.

  ‘They’re lovely bears, just like the Three Bears in our fairy-story book,’ I said, trying to encourage her.

  ‘They’re not lovely, they eat you all up,’ said Bliss indistinctly, because she was sucking her fingers.

  ‘You’re getting your fairy stories mixed up. That was the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood,’ I said.

  ‘I’m a bear-wolf and I’m going to eat you up, Bliss,’ Baxter growled, waving his arms around and thrusting his face against hers.

  Bliss squealed and Mum shook both of them.

  ‘Stop being so daft, you two. Pixie’s got far more sense and she’s half your age. Stop messing about or you won’t get a treat, do you understand?’

  But she wasn’t really cross at all. She was loving the bears too, singing along to all the silly songs and doing little dance steps round the buggy.

  We watched the whole bear routine three times and then went off shopping. We spent way more than ten pounds but I didn’t comment. But I couldn’t keep my lip buttoned when Mum flashed a new credit card. She said her friend Jenny had ‘sold’ it to her. I felt sick as soon as I saw it. Mum wasn’t supposed to have any credit cards at all. She’d got into a lot of debt when she first met Paul and she’d tried to buy stuff using a stolen credit card and she’d ended up in the magistrates’ court. I was so scared then in case they sent Mum to prison, but she played dumb and they let her off with a fine, thank goodness. I was sure they wouldn’t let her off again if she tried anything dodgy.

  ‘Mum!’ I hissed, as she flashed her card in Claire’s, buying bangles and a sparkly hairslide for Bliss and a little pink handbag and a lipstick set for Pixie.

  ‘Stop fussing, Lily,’ Mum said firmly.

  ‘But you’re not meant to.’

  ‘Shut up,’ Mum said. She raised her eyebrows at the shop assistant. ‘Kids! She’s just sulking because I won’t let her have the necklace she wants.’

  This was so mean I nearly cried. I just stood there, red-faced, trembling that the credit card would be rejected – but amazingly Mum knew the right pin number and the transaction went through. Baxter was barging about the shop, pointing at everything, going, ‘Yuck, too pink, yuck, too girlie,’ over and over again.

  When we got outside the shop Mum prodded him in the stomach and went, ‘Yuck, nasty smelly bad boy!’ Then she looked at me. ‘Don’t give me that look! I could knock your block off, making all that fuss in there. You were acting like I’d nicked that card.’

  ‘Well, didn’t you?’

  ‘I told you, I got it off Jenny.’

  ‘And where did she get it from?’

  ‘Just stop it, Lily. Who do you think you are, someone from The Bill? OK, don’t feel you have to accept a present off my dodgy card.’

  ‘I don’t want one, thanks,’ I said, and I marched off further up the mall.

  I felt tears pricking my eyelids and blinked furiously. I wasn’t a crybaby. I certainly wasn’t going to start blubbing in public. I forced myself to stride out, swinging my arms as if I didn’t have a care in the world. I couldn’t hear the clatter of the buggy or the chatter of the kids. Weren’t they following me? My heart started banging in my chest. No, maybe I really didn’t care. I was really cheesed off with Mum and fed up with my brother and sisters. I was better off on my own.

  ‘I am Lily and I walk alone,’ I muttered. I stepped onto the escalator to the next floor. I looked down as I rose upwards. ‘I am Lily and I fly alone,’ I said, spreading my arms. I imagined stepping off the escalator, swooping out into the atrium, circling round and round the glass roof, while all the crowds of shoppers pointed and marvelled down below.

  My arms rose of their own accord and I leaned sideways over the moving handrail.

  ‘Lily! What the hell are you doing? Watch out, you’ll topple over!’ Mum was yelling up at me, dragging Pixie in the buggy onto the escalator and yanking at Baxter and Bliss. I waited at the top for them, acting nonchalant.

  ‘You mad girl, what were you playing at?’ Mum said, giving me a good shake. Then she hugged me hard. ‘I thought you were trying to top yourself.’

  ‘Oh, Mum, don’t be crazy. I was just playing I could fly.’

  ‘Fly? You’re the crazy one. Stop playing silly flying beggars.’

  But later, as we wandered around the toy shop, Mum seized a little sparkly pair of fairy wings.

  ‘Here you are, Lily. This is what you need,’ she said, snorting with laughter.

  ‘Oh, ha ha,’ I said, flicking the toy wings contemptuously, though if I’d been as little as Pixie, or even Bliss, I’d have clamoured for them.

  ‘What do you want for a present, babe, seriously?’ said Mum, as she bought Baxter a toy fork-lift truck.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Oh, come on, stop sulking,’ said Mum. ‘Look at the face on you! Hey, cheer up, cootchy-cootchy-coo.’ She tickled me under the chin as if I was a baby.

  ‘Leave it out! Mum, stop it!’ I doubled up, spluttering. I’m hopelessly ticklish and it’s a horrible disadvantage. You find yourself shrieking with laughter even when you’re furious.

  ‘That’s my girl!’ Mum said, digging her thumb and finger in my cheeks. ‘My Little Miss Smiley’s come back. Come on, pet, I’m in the mood for treating you. What do you want?’

  ‘Well . . . can I have a big drawing pad just for me?’

  ‘Of course you can, silly.’

  Mum didn’t get any old drawing pad with rough paper from one of the pound shops. She took us to a special art shop and bought me a giant pad of smooth white cartridge paper, and a new big set of felt-tip pens, all different subtle shades, so I could draw real-looking people, not girls with bright red skin and canary yellow hair. She spent more than the tenner I wanted for the school trip but she was having such fun it seemed mean to point this out. She bought us all sweets and chocolates too, and a couple of celebrity mags for herself and comics for the kids. She wanted to buy me a magazine too, so I chose My Gorgeou
s Home so I could get ideas for my own gorgeous home in the future.

  ‘You want this one?’ said Mum, wrinkling her nose. ‘You’re the weirdest kid ever, Lily. Look, it’s twice the price of all the others!’ But she bought it all the same.

  ‘Now it’s my turn for treats,’ said Mum, and she pushed the buggy into a big fashion store.

  I got really worried then. Each time she used that credit card I was scared it would be refused – and even if it was genuine, I knew Mum would never have enough money to pay the bill at the end of the month.

  ‘Mind the kids while I just try this top and skirt on, Lily. Oh, and this dress! Do you think I can just about wriggle into it? What is it? You’ve got that face on again.’

  ‘Mum, it’s nearly two hundred pounds!’

  ‘Yeah, well, why should I always have to make do with cheap rubbish from down the market. I’m going up to town tonight, you know I am. I want to look the part.’

  ‘But how will you ever pay it off ?’

  ‘You were born middle-aged, you. You’ve got to have a bit of fun while you can. Live for the moment, Lily, that’s my motto. Snatch a bit of happiness when you get the chance.’

  Mum tried the clothes on. The top was a bit too low and showed a lot of Mum’s bony chest.

  ‘Never mind, I can get one of those push-up bras, that’ll do the trick. The skirt’s OK, isn’t it, Lily?’

  I thought the skirt was too tight and too short, but it wasn’t very expensive so I said it looked great. I hoped Mum would stick with the top and the skirt, but she tried the dress on too. It really did look lovely. It was pearly grey, very silky and slinky.

  ‘Oh, look, it’s dead classy, isn’t it! Oh, wait till Gordon sees me in this. He’ll love it, I know he will.’

  ‘Gordon, Gordon, Gordon,’ said Pixie, chuckling at the funny name.

  ‘Who’s Gordon?’ asked Bliss.

  ‘My new boyfriend,’ Mum said proudly.

  ‘I’m your boyfriend, Mum,’ said Baxter. ‘Yeah, I’m going to take you out dancing in that pretty dress.’

  ‘It is pretty, isn’t it, darling? You think I should buy it, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes, of course, Mum.’

  I sighed. It was hopeless. The kids were just egging her on, because they didn’t understand. I was starting to get really worried. It wasn’t just the credit card. Mum was getting so worked up about meeting Gordon. I kept wondering if he would even turn up. I’d watched enough romances in the soaps on telly. Young men sometimes fell for older women, but their relationships were never long term. Posh people sometimes hooked up with poor people, but generally it was for a one-night stand. Gordon was young and posh, Mum was older and poor – and she had four children.

  Perhaps that was why she needed to buy the slinky dress, with the skirt and top as back-up outfits. She bought them all and kept poking her hand into the carrier bag to stroke them lovingly. She took us to a McDonald’s for lunch, buying us all burgers and French fries, but she just nibbled a few chips herself.

  ‘I’m too excited to eat,’ she said. ‘Besides, I need to keep my tummy as flat as possible – that new dress doesn’t half cling.’

  ‘Mum, you’ve got to eat.’

  ‘I’ll probably be having a meal with Gordon. Somewhere fancy, with waiters and soft lights and maybe a violin playing.’

  ‘You’re making it all up!’

  ‘Well, why can’t I pretend a bit? You do all the time, Lily.’

  ‘Yes, but you’re the grown-up. And you’re making it up too much.’

  Mum bent her head close to mine. ‘Don’t spoil it for me,’ she whispered.

  ‘I just don’t want you to get hurt,’ I said.

  ‘Is Mum going to get hurt?’ Bliss asked anxiously.

  ‘No, of course I’m not, pet. I’m going to go out and have the night of my life,’ said Mum.

  ‘With Gordon,’ said Pixie, sucking on a chip.

  ‘Is he going to be our new dad?’ Bliss asked.

  ‘No, love!’ said Mum, laughing.

  I breathed a sigh of relief. At least she wasn’t crazy enough to believe that.

  We went home on the bus and Mum spent hours in the bathroom, soaking herself, slapping on a mud-pack facial, and tweaking her eyebrows. Baxter played out, driving his fork-lift truck along the balconies, while Bliss and Pixie dressed up in their new finery and played a game of grown-up ladies.

  I sat at the kitchen table with my new drawing pad and felt tips and my magazine. I had peace, I had privacy, everything I always longed for, but somehow I couldn’t use my precious time properly. I flicked through the magazine quickly, noting a velvet sofa here, a painted table there, but not really taking it all in. I started drawing an ideal living room on the first page of my pad, but I drew the sofa far too small, shrunk to the size of a shoe on my vast white carpet. I couldn’t get the legs on my table right, so it lurched sideways, its bowl of oranges and apples about to spill.

  I tore the page out, crumpled it up and threw it across the room.

  ‘Temper, temper!’ said Mum, padding into the kitchen in bare feet.

  She was wearing her old faded pink dressing gown but the rest of her was brightly coloured. She’d put a rinse in her hair to bring out the gold, she wore amazing make-up, and her finger- and toenails were blue.

  ‘What do you think?’ said Mum, waving her fingers at me.

  ‘You look like you’re going mouldy at the edges.’

  ‘Thanks a bunch! It’s called Blue Moon. It’s the new trendy colour. All the models are wearing it. Don’t you like it really, Lily?’

  ‘It looks fine,’ I said. She was looking at me so hopefully. ‘You look fine, Mum. Really lovely.’

  ‘How old do you think I look?’

  ‘Young.’

  ‘Yes, but how young?’

  ‘Fifteen?’

  ‘Are you taking the mickey? Actually, I look a lot better now than I did when I was fifteen, with my stomach stuck out to here and my face all over spots. God, I looked a sight then. I thought my life was over and I’d never have any fun ever again.’

  ‘Because of me?’ I said in a very small voice.

  ‘But I was wrong, wasn’t I?’ said Mum, putting her arms round me. ‘You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Lily. You’re not just like a daughter – you and me are best mates, right?’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ I said, hugging her back. I rubbed my cheek against hers.

  ‘Careful, don’t smudge my make-up! Listen, I’ve been thinking about tonight. I felt a bit bad leaving you last night. I think I’ll get a proper babysitter. I thought of asking Jenny or Jan, but maybe they’ve got plans to go out themselves, seeing as it’s Saturday night. How about if I ask Old Kath along the balcony to sit with you?’

  ‘Mum, I can’t stick Old Kath! And she’s barmy, anyway.’ She was this old woman who used too much black hair dye and now her hair had mostly fallen out, so her scalp showed through her black wisps. She couldn’t see to do her make-up properly any more, so she had blue smeared all over her eyes and her postbox-red lipstick crept into the creases of her face, giving her a clown’s mouth. I might have felt sorry for her, but she was mean and shouted at us kids – and she said bad things about Mum behind her back.

  ‘Well, yeah, she is losing it a bit now. I saw her shuffling off to the shops in her dressing gown and slippers the other day. OK then, not Kath. I don’t want to ask all them foreigners along the balcony, none of them can speak English. And not that Alice Doo-dah, she’s definitely Care in the Community. So maybe I could call Mikey? He’s way overdue to see the twins, isn’t he?’

  ‘Mum. Please, please, please don’t call Mikey.’

  He was much worse than mean old Kath or any of our other neighbours. He was big, with bulging muscles and scary teeth, just like his dog, Rex. Baxter thought he was great and followed him everywhere, but Bliss was so scared of him she twitched whenever he came near her. He didn’t hit her, he hadn’t ever hit any of us properly, but
I’d seen him hit Mum so I hated him. He didn’t like me either. He called me Slyboots Lil and told me to quit staring at him.

  ‘Look, it’s about time Mikey did his fair share. He is your dad.’

  ‘No, he isn’t!’

  ‘Well, stepdad. He was all set to take you on too. I’m going to give him a ring, see if he can help me out.’

  ‘Oh, Mum, please don’t,’ I begged, but she wouldn’t listen. She dialled him on her mobile.

  ‘Hey, is that you, Mikey? It’s Kate here, babe. What? No, the twins are fine. But they’re missing you, especially Baxter. Yeah, he really misses his dad. So I was wondering, could you come over tonight? Yeah, I know it’s Saturday night. You’re going out? Look, mate, I want to go out too. I bet you’re just going down the King Edward with your mates, I know you. What? Look, I don’t want you to come round some other saturday, I want you to come round now. I’ve got this real hot date up in town, this really gorgeous young guy—’

  She was such a fool. As if Mikey would come now she’d told him that. But she couldn’t stop showing off about Gordon. Then Mikey interrupted her.

  ‘What?’ said Mum. Then she said something bad back to him and rang off.

  ‘The cheek of him,’ she said, breathing hard. ‘Well, to hell with him.’

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘Never you mind. I’ll show him. He thinks that just because he walked out on me no one else could ever want me. How dare he! Oh, I wish he could see Gordon. He’d be totally gobsmacked, I tell you.’

  ‘I’m glad he’s not coming. I can’t stick Mikey. Look, we don’t need a babysitter, Mum. We’ll be fine.’

  ‘Yes, but I mightn’t be back till late. Really late. Like, all night,’ said Mum.

  ‘That’s OK,’ I said. ‘We were fine last night, weren’t we?’

  ‘Yes, you were. You’re a good little kid, Lily. I’m grateful to you, darling. You understand, don’t you? It’s not that I want to leave you on your own, but I haven’t got any option, have I? And guys like Gordon don’t often come along. You have to grab them when you can!’

  Mum fixed our favourite tea, sausages and baked beans. She changed into her grey dress while we were eating and retouched her make-up. Then she came into the kitchen and gave us a twirl.